She was a Veggie

I never knew what she saw in me. The trouble was, she didn’t either.

The breakup was easy; we just stopped seeing each other. Simple. Actually, sometimes I don’t really know what I saw in her either, but I did like having her around. But sometimes not.

She was a veggie. Apparently, you know people are vegetarians because they make sure to tell you fairly quickly. Not this one. There was a certain sense of irony that her fiery eyes would devour me in her silent fury when she saw me with a kebab after a drink with my mates.

I’d try to defend myself. “But you can’t tell me this is even real meat!”

“That makes it worse!”

Shopping was a nightmare. She made me read the ingredients of everything I bought and put it back on the shelf if there was gelatine. I don’t miss that experience at all. Then again, she ended up doing the weekly shop for both of us. I suppose I’ll have to do it myself again, now.

She was an environmental freak too. Apparently, eating cows is going to wreck the world. Methane and water footprints and God knows what else she rattled on about. And she rattled on about plates too. Even the “eco” setting on the dishwasher wasn’t environmentally friendly, according to her, so we hand washed everything.

“I suppose we should walk to the river and use a washboard to scrub our clothes clean instead of using our washing machine?”

She told me not to be stupid. But she also told me to sling my tumble dryer.

I don’t know why I’m focussing on the bad stuff. Am I trying to call sour grapes so that I won’t miss her? I will. I do.

I do. Those are two words I wouldn’t utter to her. Maybe that’s why she left me. I’m not the marrying kind. Babies and families and semi-detached houses. All that noise and dirt. I tell you, shopping would be even more insane for a family. And all the laundry and washing up with no dishwasher and pegging up baby clothes on a laundry line? No way. I’m better off without!

There were good sides to her of course. After all, that’s why we were together in the first place. I must admit, apart from at the kebab stall, she was always there for me. A great supporter. She went to all of my football matches, even the ones on the other side of the country where we needed to stay overnight in a bed-and-breakfast or a ho...

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Paul Sterlini
May 29 2021

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