Mother Nature 2 - The Second Coming

Mother Nature looked across her desk and roared. The unfortunate, recently deceased soul on the other side roared back. They continued to roar at each other until Mother Nature interrupted.

“Look. Do you mind if we speak English?”

“Not at all”, said the tiger amiably. “We generally do in these circumstances, so that readers can follow the story.”

Mother Nature chose to ignore the question of whether there is a fourth wall in writing, and stared at her guest, steadfastly avoiding any sideways glances that could be misconstrued.

“The thing is...” She scrabbled for a name in the file before her. “Uh, Hewson. We have a problem.”

“We?”

“Well”, said Mother Nature, almost smiling, “The other thing is that when I have a problem, it generally means that someone else is going to have a problem. So, today, Hewson, we”, she pointed at Hewson and back at herself, “have a serious problem. And, in particular...”, Mother Nature was keen to push the point home, “you”, she jabbed a finger in his direction, “have a very serious problem. And when you solve this very serious problem, you’ll remove the serious problem from me.” Now, she did afford herself a smile. 

Hewson sighed. Problems didn’t concern him. Long preambles did.

Recognising she’d not impressed him, Mother Nature softened her tone and tried a new approach: “I’ve heard great things about you Hewson.” She glanced down and read soundbites from a report: “Outstanding bravery… Unbridled aggression… Blind determination… Sneaky character… Hungry for action.” She stopped reading and looked back at him. “Those are exactly the attributes I need for a very important mission.” She eyed him carefully. “Very Important”, she repeated, carefully emphasising every letter.

Hewson licked his lips. The best problems were those where the solution involved eating someone. “So”, he tried not to smile as he imagined fresh meat. “Who is the problem?”

“Very astute!” Mother Nature clapped two of her hands together genially. “I knew you were my man!” She looked at him carefully. “His name is Bernard.” She paused. “Though”, she added, “he’s not currently going by that name. He’s what you might call…” Her eyes swivelled to the ceiling as she hunted for the right word., “… confused.”

“Confused?”

“Confused. And causing me no ...

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Rod Webb
Apr 10 2020

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Comments:

Where is the next part?! This is amazing! I need to buy the book if there is one! So original, so funny, so brilliant!

Lily Larkin
Jul 24 2020

I really enjoyed this. As soon as Bernard's name was mention I giggled my way to the end.

Tracy Windross
May 23 2020

Great stuff Rod, I laughed my way through it. You found some great turns of phrases too.

Sheila Williams
May 11 2020

Brilliant! I was laughing in the first 30 seconds :)

Charity Reed
Apr 12 2020